The newest craze in mixed drinks is finally here, and I think that you’ll all want to know about it. Chances are, you already have the ingredients at home, even if you are a complete teetotaler: distilled hand sanitizer and mouthwash.
I know… yum.
This fad-to-be almost never got off the ground floor. It seems to have been started by two homeless people in Albuquerque, New Mexico earlier this year, but they weren’t able to get the word out about their invention, seeing as they died soon after its inception.
However, six innovative teenagers in the San Fernando Valley area got word about the new cocktail, but cut out part of the original recipe (apparently after running out of mouthwash) by drinking the hand sanitizer on its own.
The result: six trips to the emergency room.
Finally, authorities are beginning to get some indication of why these Mouthtinis and Sanitizer Slings (all rights reserved) are all the rage.
Jennifer Amanda Wilcox, 36, was charged with a DUI in Connecticut after drinking half a bottle of hand sanitizer, which caused her to blow a .17 on a breathalyzer test (that’s the equivalent of 32 shots of vodka).
When the police asked Wilcox why she drank the hand sanitizer, she explained only by saying that she, “saw it there.”
Given that this in the accepted excuse for guzzling the gelatinous goo, there are only two possible solutions for stopping this danger from spreading across the country: including enzymes that cause blindness in the ingredient list or developing invisible hand sanitizer, that way, no one else will be able to, “[see] it there.”
It may be the only way to save our nation.
Nay, the world.

Printed in the October 25, 2012 edition