It only took a month, but I’ve finally found the article that this column was born for.
This is the worst, dumbest, most inconsequential news story of all time – perfect for this column.
Anna and Jeremy Clark were standing near their home in West Sussex, England when, out of nowhere, a fox ran up, took Anna’s handbag in its mouth, and ran for the bushes.
At this point, the husband began screaming for the fox to drop the bag.
…Because who doesn’t scream at wild animals in order to get them to come towards them?
This is exactly why you can’t have a peaceful walk through the woods in this area of the country during this time of year; because hunters everywhere scream from their deer stands into the woods to tempt their prey to come a little closer.
Big surprise – the fox kept going.
Oddly enough, the fox brought the bag back a few minutes later.
But the husband found another way to stupid this story up to the point of disbelief.
He claimed that the fox looked guilty as it came back with the bag.
Wait…what?
No. Foxes don’t look guilty. Foxes steal. That’s what they do. That’s how they survive.
In all of popular culture from Aesop to Uncle Remus, foxes are portrayed as tricksters.
It is even suggested that the word “shenanigan” comes from the Irish expression “sionnachuighim,” which means, “I play the fox.”
I was honestly expecting the story to end with the fox coming back with the bag – looking “guilty” – and, when the family least expected it, grabbing their young child and keeping it instead. That would have made the story worth reading.
And, really, I don’t even know why I’ve even wasted the time it took to write this story on such a trivial matter.
But I guess there are a lot of people expressing opinions recently that would be best left unsaid.

Printed in the November 1, 2012 edition.