Not content with the proverbial practice of shooting himself in the foot, a security guard in Rio Claro, Trinidad and Tobago, took the exercise one leg’s length farther.
... farther upward, that is.
That’s right, the 33-year-old man, who remains unnamed – let’s call him “Dirk” – shot himself off with a concealed (and illegal) .38 caliber firearm while on patrol in his vehicle.
Supposedly, the real police found “Dirk” bleeding from the groin with his pistol in his right pocket.
The police had to rummage around a little before finding the other.... pistol.
I guess “Dirk” felt that it was better to bleed to death than admit the loss of manhood that he suffered at his own hand.
Police took “Dirk” to the hospital, but early reports are unclear as to whether the doctors were able to reunite “Dirk” with himself.
To add insult to injury (The horror! The horror!), “Dirk” will probably be charged for the discharge, since the weapon wasn’t registered with the government.
You have to register that with the government in Trinidad and Tobago?!?
In case “Dirk” ever gets back out on the streets, I’ve compiled a short list of possible, less-dangerous weapons that he could tote with him: a night stick, a bat, a whistle (to blow on), a hose, or maybe just a nice, solid piece of bone.

Printed in the January 31, 2013 edition