I know that County Extension Agents sometimes get accused of only recommending things to you that cost money. Maybe sometimes we all take ourselves too seriously. We want to change and control things that are beyond our control. I saw this in one of our latest new letters and thought you might enjoy it.

"Winterize Your Lawn" the big sign outside the garden store commanded. Yeah, right. I’ve fed it, watered it, raked it, and watched a lot of it die anyway. Now I’m supposed to winterize it? I hope it’s too late!

Grass lawns have to be the stupidest things we’ve come up with, outside of thong swimsuits! We constantly battle dandelions, Queen Anne’s Lace, thistle, violets, chicory, and clover that thrive naturally, so we can grow grass that must be nursed through an annual four-step chemical dependency. Imagine the conversation The Creator might have with Saint Francis about this:

"Frank, you know all about gardens nature. What in the world is going on down there? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle, and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought, and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracted butterflies, honey bees, and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles."

"It’s the tribes that settled there, Lord — the Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers ‘weeds’ and went to great extent to kill them and replace the with grass."

"Grass? But grass is so boring. It’s not colorful. It’s doesn’t attract b
utterflies, birds, and bees — only grubs and worms. It’s temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?"

"Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begins each spring by fertilizing the grass and poisoning any other plants that crops up in the lawn."

"The spring rains and cool weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy."

"Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it — sometimes twice a week."

"They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?"

"Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags."

"They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?"

"No, sir. Quite the opposite, in fact. They pay to throw it away."

"Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?"

"Yes, Lord."

"These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work."

"You aren’t going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it."

"What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sh
eer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn the fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It’s a natural cycle of life."

"You’d better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and have them hauled away."

"No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?"

"After throwing away your leaves, they go out and buy something they call ‘mulch’. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves."

"And where do they get the mulch?"

"They cut down the trees and grind them up."

"Enough! I don’t want to think about this anymore. Saint Catherine, you’re in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?"

"Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It’s a real stupid movie about…"

"Never mind! I think I’ve already heard the whole story!"