Bizz Buzz: Reporting Live from the Redneck Riviera
By Dianne Lively Yost
That’s right y’all! We’re vacationin’ like those really rich folks only not in France! Momma and I are over here at the famous Redneck Riviera on the Gulf of Mexico! It’s my big ole 47th birthday and we just got us some real classy henna tattoos to make us look younger! Abracadabra! It works like magic! Now Momma’s takin’ me on a yacht ride so we can celebrate like queens! All aboard! Wow! This is Fancy-Dance City! And, these Margaritas are lip-smackin’ good! Hey! That captain don’t look right . . . like he’s been sippin' on Moonshine in the Sunshine! And that eye patch is flat creepin’ me out! Whoa! Hang onto your seat Momma! We’re just a flyin’ over the waves like those Miami Vice boys! Hey! There’s the famous Flora-Bama Lounge, Oyster Bar & Grill way, way over yonder on the beach! What the? Where’d Momma go? Yikes! She’s done flown outta the yacht and is flailin’ her arms ‘an screamin’ at the sharks! Worse yet, that pirate captain looks real mad and he’s stompin’ over my way! Hey, one-eyed skipper . . . you can’t throw me overboard on my Birthday! SPLASH! Oh. My. Gosh! Momma! Keep dog paddlin’ and watch out for that big fat jelly floatin’ over there! Thank the good Lord! There’s a lifeguard over yonder and he’s really cute in his red Bay Watch suit swimmin’ out to save us on his real live RESCUE surfboard! Grab that board Momma! Yay! We’re saved! Thanks lifeguard! He took us right smack up to the Flora-Bama and there’s a fantastic redneck band playin’ my favorite song! What a fantastic Redneck birthday! It just don’t get any better than this y’all!
Hey but it’s just too bad $9-billion-loser Wachovia doesn’t have a cute lifeguard comin’ to save ‘em! Wow! And, now U.S. Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson’s checkin’ into the books of billion-dollar-loser twins Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac! Yeah! That’s kind a like sendin’ down scuba divin’ inspectors to check out the submerged Titanic! Too bad they didn’t think of that big idea sooner!
Did somebody mention money? I thought so! Honey Ethan L. Staats of Northwestern Mutual Financial Network wanted me to let y’all know he can help you with your financial plannin’! Listen y’all. He does it all . . . like personal needs analysis, business needs analysis, estate analysis, retirement solutions, employee and executive benefits and long term care insurance. Wow! Ok so let’s analyze my own financial situation! Ding dang that was fast! All of my analysis projects say the exact same thing: Biz Buzz needs loads of money! I mean I’m flat broke! Hey Ethan! You’ll be my best friend EVER if you can talk my handsome husband into beefin’ up my employee benefits situation! Yeah! I’m talkin’ a big ole raise, a big plastic surgery fund, weekly spa benefits, a personal trainer and a Biz Buzz golf cart that I could drive all over town! Get to work Ethan! Oh and y’all can call Ethan at 706-353-4580 or shoot him an email at email@example.com.
Let’s party! Morgan Memorial Hospital Auxiliary is hostin’ the eighth annual Festival of Friends on Saturday, August 16! I’m sooo excited! This is the best shin dig ever! It all starts out with cocktails and a silent auction at the James Madison Conference Center at 6 p.m. followed by your selected dinner party destination! And, they all sound fabulicious! Ok so here are the dinner party destinations: What Happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas; San Francisco, New Orleans, London, Paris and Amsterdam; You may not be able to “hang ten” Hawaiian Luau; I’ll take Romance. . .; Copenhagen on Candler; Porch to Porch, Patio to Patio Around Valley Farm; Float with your Friends through an Enchanted Evening in Venice (I wonder if cute life guards will be on hand?); An Elegant Evening in Old Madison; and Italian Countryside in the Georgia Countryside. Call Mary Lawton right this dang minute at 706-342-1565 to reserve your dinner destination! I’ll see y’all there!
Ding dang! I’ve gotta head out to the beach for some serious sunnin’! Y’all be extra sweet to Momma and I’ll see y’all next week: Same time. Same Number One Weekly Newspaper in the Great State of Georgia.