Momma! Now I know you’re all excited ‘bout Morgan County High School Football but this is ridiculous! I mean you flat could’ve gotten arrested by the Greene County Sherriff and your mug shot plastered all across the front page of the Greene County Herald Tribune! And, then I reckon WDDK-FM Dock 103.9 wouldda broadcasted a story ‘bout some crazy Morgan County Momma! Now listen, those Greensboro folks don’t think kindly ‘bout some crazy lady paintin’ “Go Morgan County Bulldogs” with white shoe polish all over everybody’s car in the Greene County High School parkin’ lot!
    Dang it! I’m sure they’ve done got an APB out for your truck as we speak! I reckon we’d better hide it in the garage for a few weeks til this storm blows over! Until then Momma, just have a seat and check out the best ever 2010 Morgan County High School football supplement in the Morgan County Citizen! It’s flat fantastic! Y’alal check it out and check out all of our fabulous advertisers who support our team and our newspaper! Y’all rock!
    Hot diggity ding dang dog! Y’all are flat gonna flip when you hear how many people visit the www.morgancountycitizen.com every ding dang month! Like 50,000 visits! Now that’ll crank your tractor! Just give the Citizen a call at 706-342-7440 and we’ll pop you up a super fantastic web ad to compliment your print ad!
    Hey and we also have web ad opportunities available for our fabulous website slide shows startin’ with the recent Morgan County High School football scrimmage!
    Get loads of exposure on our website immediately! Love it!

    Whew! It’s too ding dang hot and to humid to work so I reckon we’d best cook up a scheme so Momma and I can go shoppin’ instead! I’ll just pretend I’m workin’ so y’all don’t say a word to my handsome husband! Just tell him you saw me out and ‘bout sellin’ ads like crazy! Toooo fab! That’ll do the trick! Ok . . . Momma hold on and let me just pop inside to get my lipstick! I mean we’ve gotta look chic before . . . . Oh. My. Ever. Livin’. GOSH! I look like I was in the outhouse when the lightenin’ struck! My hair’s just a frizzin’ like all get out! I’m talkin’ Rosanna Rosanna Danna!
   
Halleluiah! We don’t have to worry ‘bout crazy hair no more ‘cause the newest hair salon craze has hit town and it’s called . . . .The Brazilian Blowout! It’s the absolute perf treatment for anyone with frizzy, damaged or processed hair . . . Hummm . . . sounds exactly like ME! Ok so when you get The Brazilian Blowout, your hair is frizz free for like 12 ENTIRE WEEKS! Yeah! It works like this . . . you get your hair shampooed, then the super secret Brazilian Blowout formula is put into your hair. Once it’s blown dry, the stylist then flat irons your hair like nobody’s business! And honey you’re done! It doesn’t change your hair’s volume or body; it just takes away the ugly, ugly frizzies! I flat can’t wait to get my Brazilian Blowout! It’s available in Morgan County at Petals Salon located at 203 West Jefferson St. (706-342-0702) in Madison and at The Spa at the James Madison located at 206 West Washington St. (706-342-7000) in Madison! Y’all check it out and say Good Bye Frizz!

    Can’t never could do nothin’ so stop cryin’ in your coffee before Momma comes over here and slaps you to China in a tin can suit! Talk ‘bout a rattlin’ racket! Whoa! Here she comes! Don’t look now but Lord have mercy! Now I didn’t say this but she don’t look right this mornin’. In fact she looks right ugly! I’m talkin’ that face might not stop a clock, but it’ll sure raise Cain with wrist watches! Now don’t all y’all start to worry none ‘cause honey I know just exactly how to calm Momma down when she’s havin’ one of them ugly conniption fits! That’s right! She loves good food and Morgan County is flat ding dang lucky, lucky, lucky to have so many family owned restaurants and  . . . STOP THE PRESSES . . . Our newest restaurant just flat opened up in Madison on the Madison Markets campus where Dog Ear Books used to be!
    Momma! Put on your Southern Smile ‘cause we’re going to Claudia’s European Coffee Shop at 142 Academy Street! Y’all are gonna flip cartwheels when you try this one out! First off, the coffee ROCKS! It’ll spoil you silly and put your get-up-and-go-that-got-up-and-went back into the game! I could drink two pots! Hummmmm . . .maybe I can increase Citizen ad sales exponentially with each pot and get rich, rich, rich! But, I digress! Claudia’s is sooo yummy! Ok so I was lucky to run into a local restaurant enthusiast there last week who treated me to a fabulicious fruit tart with homemade to-die-for whip cream! Of course, I headed right smack back over there the very next day for lunch and had the Venice Panini and honey it was out-of-this-world good! Oh and did I tell y’all ‘bout the German potato salad? Well, it’s delicious!

    Wedding Bells and Celebrity tales! Honey! Momma went all Navy Seal on me and snuck into the Ritz Carlton Reynolds Plantation last weekend for Carrie Underwood’s uber famous wedding to the handsomest hockey player Mike Fisher! I flat couldn’t believe Momma could stuff herself and her cocktail dress and heels inside that scuba-diving outfit but the scheme worked like a charm! It was her finest hour! Anyhow y’all . . .             Momma was flat hobnobbin’ with cutie pie Tim McGraw and Faith Hill, that handsome-but-sometimes-ugly Simon Cowell and crazy, fun Paula Abdul and more! Oh my Gosh! Even our neighbor Carey Williams, editor and publisher of the best newspaper in Greensboro, The Greensboro Herald Journal, got even MORE famous ‘cause he was quoted in a story on E! News! I ain’t kiddin’ y’all!

    But the BEST NEWS EVER is that every one of them fabulously famous celebrities stayin’ at the Ritzy Wedding were reading Lake Oconee Living magazine, the only local magazine placed in each and every room at the Ritz Carlton Reynolds Plantation! Love it! Aren’t you glad you advertised! Well if you didn’t get in the just-published summer issue, don’t worry! We’ll flat reserve you a great ole big ad for the Holiday issue!

    This is the best place to promote your Christmas gift items, restaurant and holiday party places and honey even wedding destinations! I do! Y’all call Lake Oconee Living magazine today to reserve your ad at 706-342-7440! It’s located in the exact same office as this award-winning Morgan County Citizen newspaper at 235 South Main Street! How convenient! You can just pop in to buy both your newspaper and magazine ads! LOVE IT!

    WARNING TO READERS:  This column is not safe for persons prone to dizziness, those in frequent need of smelling salts or those with overall weak constitutions. Open this door at your own risk. CREEEEEK . . . .. .

    Hypnotic!  Spiraling circles! Spiraling, spiraling, spiraling. Out of control. Never-ending. Spiraling into the infinite universe inhibited only by small, sparkling lights. You’re traveling through another dimension – a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. It is the middle ground between light and shadow. A journey into a wondrous Park whose boundaries are that of imagination. The time is five minutes to 12 -- midnight. There is no more darkness. The place is Madison, Ga., in Town Park and this is the eve of a summer of light. Because even at midnight, it’s high noon. The hottest on record. And, you’re about to spend it with Momma . . . in  . . . The Twilight Zone.

    Ding dang! I can’t sleep! It’s hotter than a $2 pistol in here! And, who in the Sam Hill has left the front door wide open? I reckon I’d best get out of bed and see . . .SPIT FIRE! Momma’s done flown the coop! Do y’all hear that? Bongo drums at midnight! Oh. My. Gosh! Momma’s sleep walkin’! Y’all call the police while I go find her! What’s that up ahead at Town Park? Shasta! Momma’s dressed in a fairy Firefly suit dancin’ with  batons THAT ARE ON FIRE! Quick! Help me push Momma into the fountain! SPLASH!  SLAP!

Momma! What in the Sam Hill are you doin’ way up there in that big Magnolia tree over at the Madison Baptist Church? Lord have mercy! Don’t you know Pastor Jim Ross is gonna have a FIT if he catches you up there? What do you mean you’re stuck? Momma! That’s what you get for tryin’ to steal Magnolia blossoms! I reckon I’m gonna have to come up there and get you before the Devil does! Somebody give me a boast! Thanks! Hey! It’s right fun climbin’ this tree! Wait a doggone minute! Momma! Who’s that green-faced, red-headed fool in white overalls danglin’ up there above you? Ding dang! He looks just like one of them Oompa Loompas! Hey! Oompa Loompa Man! Untangle Momma’s pocketbook from that branch so she can get loose from this tree! Why thanks! Well come on Momma! Let’s get outta this tree! And, what did that Oompa Loompa say ‘bout Movie Night at Town Park on July 9 at dusk? Yikes! Would you look at what those branches did to my toe nails? Spit Fire! Now I need a pedicure pronto! Let’s head over to The Spa at the James Madison ‘cause they’ve got the BEST DEAL IN MORGAN COUNTY!  More on Movie Night later . . . .