Uh-oh! I’m feelin’ all funky! I’m talkin’ . . . Rastaman Vibration! Momma! Where in the Sam Hill did you get those crazy dreadlocks? I mean . . . Ding dang! Hand me one of them dreadlock wigs!  Perf! Hey and do y’all hear that beat? I’m thinkin’ this town’s goin’ all Reggae on us! Shoot fire! It’s all startin’ next Thursday, Feb. 24 from 3 p.m. ‘til 7 p.m. at Amelia’s and Barkin’ Dog Shoe Co. for their Second Annual ‘This Weather is Jamaican’ Me Crazy, Mon’ party! Hey Mon! This is gonna be fun! With Food and Prizes! OK y’all! Amelia’s owner Kim Jensen Watts and Barkin’ Dog Shoe Co. owner Vickie Hunt are gonna throw us a fantastic party! Plus they’re givin’ us 20 percent off any regularly priced item! New fun spring clothes and new lines of the best shoes in the world! Now that’s a ding-dang deal if there ever was one! I’ll see all y’all there!

Lady luck is flat followin’ Madisonian Carolyn Carter ‘round like smoke follows fire! Girl you are flat hot to trot! Check it out y’all! Carolyn won Whidby Jewelers $2,500 shoppin spree! Her name flew outta the magic box this week as part of Ben Whidby’s Christmas promotion that ran from Nov. 26 to Dec. 24! Congrats Carolyn!

But, I just ain’t so lucky ‘cause my handsome husband ain’t asked me to be his Valentine – a development that calls for serious – I say serious get-his-credit-cards-plus-cash action! Where’s my partner in crime? Momma! Grab handsome husband’s wallet and let’s split the scene for Valentine Shoppin’! Oh my Ever Livin’ Gosh! Momma! Don’t look now but your panty line is showin’ and it looks a sight! Let’s pop over to Town & Country located at 204 West Washington St. in Madison to find a remedy! Ding dang dong! There’s some Hanky Panky goin’ on over here! I’m talkin’ Hanky Panky lingerie! Check it out y’all! Ok so all the girls say Hanky Panky is the most comfy lingerie EVER! Y’all get over here immediately and buy you some! Wow! After that Hanky Panky, we might as well find some delish chocolate!

Ella’s Sweet Shoppe, located at 191 W. Jefferson St., across from Town Park in Madison has the sweetest gifts ‘round town! Check out their new chocolate covered strawberries! Oh and honey that Gelato (Italian ice cream) is too die for good! I’d best get a little gelato while I shop for my kid’s Valentine’s Day gifts!

Hey! My car’s broke so get over here immediately! We gotta pick up Momma for some Southern Fried Shoppin’! Ding dang! Your 2011 red-hot Ford Mustang from Youngblood Motors is super fast! I’m gonna have to get me one of those! Somebody tell my handsome husband! Momma! Why in the Sam Hill are you still in your PJs? And lord have mercy! You look a sight! I knew you shouldn’t have taken a whole case of White Lightnin’ on your girls’ trip to Hilton Head! Shoot Fire! You’ve done been beat with a big ole UGLY STICK! You need some superfied detoxin’ girl, and Rutledge is just the place!

The former Dog Ear Books location on South Main Street will soon become The Manley Bearden House Antiques. The house is scheduled to open in February

Y’all keep checkin’ on the cornbread and stirrin’ the chili while I go see what’s makin’ that ricochetin’ racket out on the front porch! Momma! It’s too ding dang cold and icy to be outside! What the? Why in the Sam Hill are you rubbin’ Crisco shortenin’ on MeeMaw’s old ironin’ board? And, what’s with the fancy goggles, yellow ski outfit and red lipstick? Spit fire! Momma’s done sawed off the ironin’ board legs and she’s haulin’ it ‘round like a surf board! This ain’t right! Momma . . .You’ll look like a sleddin’ fool if you try to ride that ironin’ board down East Washington Street! STOP! SWISHH . . . SWOOSH! Ding dang! She disappeared like a crazy bat outta hell! Talk ‘bout a fast move!

Ding dang it’s cold! So cold that we’ll have to move this Girl’s Night Out party from the porch to the parlor! That’s right y’all! We’re gonna have us a Parlor Party with the girls and . . . Oh. My. Gosh! It’s Sister Sledge! Hey let’s all sing it with The Sisters! Hit it girls: “We are family. I’ve got all my sisters with me . . . We are family . . . Get up everybody and sing!” Now that’s a party! Momma can’t stop dancin’ an’ a prancin’ ‘round the dinin’ table! Lord have mercy! It’s time for the Conga Line! “We are family . . .”  Look out! Some party pooper’s done called the Police! Out the back door and fast!