Ding dang! Y’all are flat early! I’m still in my pretty PJs! Y’all put the coffee on while I get dressed! What the? My blasted blue jeans are too tight! My dryer must be shrinkin’ up my classy clothes! Now let me just get this new top on . . . Yikes! I look like a sausage in this outfit and where in the Sam Hill did these ugly jiggy rolls on my waist come from? Shoot fire! I’ve done grown a full dress size in the span of three weeks! That does it! It’s The Man’s fault! All this workin’ and no playin’ and no exercisin’ has made me flat fat! Therefore, The Man should have to pay for me to have a personal trainer immediately! Perf!
Honey Madison Fitness Center located at 1290 Eatonton Road in Madison has just the thing! They’ve got trainers for adults and even for kids! That’s right! Honey now I know your kids have been piggin’ out on candy and Momma’s desserts all holiday season and I also know they’ve been lyin’ ‘round watchin’ TV shows and playin’ those ding dang electronic games on the TV.
Shoppin’ local sure does wear me flat out! I’m so ding dang tired I can’t even keep my peepers open! Y’all go ahead and celebrate your Christmas party! Drink one for me ‘cause I’m turnin’ in! Night y’all! SNORE . . . SNORE . . . Amid the song of tinkling bells, Elves enter the dream with marvelous tales.
WARNING: The following text was enchanted by Santa’s Elves. Persons without a belief in Christmas magic should turn back and read no further! While harmless to most, some humbugish grinches may be subjected to bizarre unrelenting elfish trickery.
Tingaling. Tingaling. Ting. Ting. TANG! Bangin’ bells! Momma! What in the Sam Hill are you doin’ over here with that crazy Elf prancin’ about like a fool? Shoot fire! Don’t throw sparklin’ magic dust smack in my eyes! Ding dang! Wait a minute! This magic Elf Dust is FANTASTIC! It’s flat better than White Lightnin’! Plus WE CAN FLY! But, do we have to wear these elf outfits? Oh well! Let’s go check out the Christmas lights all over Morgan County! SWOOSH! Momma! I can’t steer! CRASH! What the? We’re flat stuck on the Courthouse Clock! DONG. DONG. It’s 2 a.m. Do you know where Momma is?
After Christmas Party! Y’all don’t forget to check out all of the great After Christmas Sales! Honey get your Madison Downtown Dollars and your Christmas Money and head all over Morgan County for some fabulous deals right smack after Christmas! Check out the after Christmas ads in the Christmas section like Barkin’ Dogs Shoe Co.! Bring in a pair of gently used shoes and take $10 off your purchase! Or check out Madison Markets’ one-day after Christmas Sale on Dec. 26! Ding dang deals will be found all ‘round town!
Don’t act the fool! Get outta that cold air and come inside for some super hot coffee! That’ll warm you up right quick! Plus Momma’s done brought us some pretty candy canes to stir around in our coffee for the Perf Christmas touch! Ding dang that’s good! Momma! You know you ain’t ‘posed to chomp on hard cane candy with those centuries old teeth of yours! CRACKKKK . . . .CRUNCH! What the? Momma! Say somethin’! “Waugh! Waugh!” Hell fire and damnation! Momma’s runnin’ all over the house with one hand on her mouth; the other flailin’ ‘bout like a blastin’ water hose! Now calm the Sam Hill down before you knock over the Christmas tree and let me see if you hurt one of them big choppers! Whoa how-de-do-da-ding-dang-day! You’ve done broke what those fancy-dance dentists call a molar in the way, way back! Now stop cryin’ Momma! Somebody hand me the White Lightnin’! Take a big ole swig Momma and I’ll carry you on over to Woodruff Dentistry located at 480 Hancock St., in Madison right down from the Morgan County Courthouse!
Ding dang dong! She’s flat done it this time! Momma! Where in the Sam Hill did you find Santa’s magic sleigh and all those fancy dance reindeer? Well I reckon Santa won’t mind a little joy ridin’! Honey we got us the Holy Grail of Holiday Rides and we’re gonna shop local all over Morgan County in high style! Move over and let me drive! Now Dasher! Now Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen! On Comet! On Cupid! On Donner and Blitzen! To Rutledge! To Bostwick! To Madison and Buckhead! Fly away! Fly away in this here sled!
Code Red Alert! Code Red Alert! An unidentified flying object has entered air space over Morgan County. The origin of this object is unknown and could be dangerous. This is an actual emergency. Take cover immediately.
What Santa don’t know can’t hurt him! Rinnnnng! Rinnnnnng! Who in Tarnation calls somebody at this time a night? Hello. Momma! What in the Sam Hill do you mean there’s a stressed-out North Pole Elf havin’ a conniption fit in your livin’ room? Lord have mercy! Pour that Elf a cup of hot-spiked mulled cider and I’ll be there lickety-split!
Glory to Moses! You sure weren’t lyin’! That’s a bona fied Elf from the North Pole and he’s cryin’ so bad the tips of his pointy little ears are all red! Ding dang! I feel right sorry for ‘em! Give ‘em another hit of that cider with a White Lightenin’ floater on top! That’ll calm ‘em down! Ok Elf!
Tell us what’s got your goat! Lord Have Mercy! Don’t you worry little Elf! Everybody in Morgan County knows it wasn’t your fault Santa couldn’t be at the Morgan County Courthouse this Tuesday even though you broke the magic flyin’ Santa Sled! It’s all Good ‘cause Santa and Mrs. Claus are both gonna be in Town Park in downtown Madison next Wednesday, Dec. 8 from 5:30 p.m. til 7:30 p.m. during the Carolin’ By Candlelight event!
Oh and lots and lots of Santa’s little Elves with their pointy little ears and pointy little shoes will be there with tinklin’ bells! I flat can’t wait! So let me call SkyQueen Aerial Photographer Cathy Lewan at 706-342-7499 and see if she can’t fly you back to the North Pole! Thanks Cathy!
It’s a ding dang good thing we got these elf suits from the City of Madison ‘cause we look right festive cuttin’ down our Christmas tree at Jack’s Creek Farm, located at 2291 Price Mill Road in Bostwick! Look out yonder Momma! There’s a big whopper Christmas tree in the way-way back! Let’s saw that sucker down! I Suwannee! This thing is flat bigger than 10 feet! Almost. Done. Cuttin’. TIMMMMBERRRR! Wow! Let’s get it home to the Big House! I’ll climb the ladder to the top and you hand me the decorations! Awwwww! It’s my Favorite Christmas Ball and I have the perf spot for it! What’s that rustlin’ sound I hear in the tree? POW! CRASH! HELPPPP! There’s a ding dang Black Squirrel and he’s CLINGIN’ to my HEAD! Get ‘em Momma! Get ‘em off! Hell Fire! Now the cat’s got ‘em! Good Riddance flesh eatin’ squirrel! He flat bit my eyebrow! Get me to Morgan Memorial Hospital immediately!
Whew! I sure am glad that tree decoratin’ episode is OVER! I need to relax right here by the fire with a shot of White Lightinin’ and my Farmer’s 2011 Almanac! Well, well, well . . . what have we here? It flat says in January 2011 temperatures and precipitation will be ABOVE NORMAL with very heavy rains in the South! Yeehaw y’all! You know what that means? Honey, my handsome husband’s gonna buy me up a heap of diamonds and jewels at Whidby Jewelers located at 177 W. Jefferson St., in Madison, ‘cause any purchase you make between now and Dec. 24 will be FREE, FREE, FREE if it rains an inch or more on New Year’s Day! Y’all head over there and check it out! Ben Whidby! Thanks for buyin’ my Christmas!