Unlike my 20th Wedding Anniversary last February when my “gift” consisted of a roasted chicken from Ingles, I proclaim this Mother’s Day shall be different! Let me make one thing perfectly, crystal clear: The recession is FLAT OVER! Therefore, this Mother’s Day shall be celebrated with outrageous luxuries! Ok here’s the list to make it easy on you: First off Mommas all over Morgan County want someone else to clean the house! That’s right! Do it! Next, at least two new fab, fun outfits for summer, which we can find at Amelia’s Town & Country, Godfrey Cox or Laughing Moon! Oh and all kinds of jewelry and honey you can find that at Artisan Alley, Silver Fox and Whidby Jewelers! Antiques and rugs? Yes! They’re on the list too so head over to Madison Markets, J&K Fleas An’Tiques & J&K Antiques & Interiors, Antiques on the Square and Destination Antiques! Oh and Spa treatments at the Spa at the James Madison or at Petals Salon! Lord have mercy! Lastly, there will be no kids or teenagers whinin’ and cryin’! They’re gonna do exactly what they’re told to do, when they’re told to do it! Wow! Paradise on Planet Earth! Can’t wait til Sunday!
Pow! Pow! Shoot fire! Smokin’ Gun BBQ is flat coming to town! Now that shot hits the target! This award-winnin’ BBQ place is gonna open in mid to late May at 1540 Greensboro Road (Hwy. 278) in Madison! Ok so here’s the deal. It’s owned by award-winning BBQ Champs Alan and Mikki Ward and honey they're gonna serve up BBQ pork, chicken, ribs, beef brisket and super fantastic Brunswick Stew! Dine in or take out! I’ll let y’all know when they’re open! Keep watchin’ the Buzz!
Ding dang! My Knockout Roses ain’t the only thing blommin’ right now! Honey, it just flat appears this dad blasted, bangin’ banjo of a recession is on its last leg! Yeah! Our economy is startin’ to show sure-fire signs of recovery! Check out the headlines: Consumer Confidence Rises to Highest Level Since 2008! Ford posts $2.1 billion profit, Boosts 2010 Outlook! Whirlpool Q1 Profit Surges! Caterpiller Rose to Second Consecutive New 52-Week High! Home Prices Post First Gain in Three Years! Now that news will flat put a bounce in your step! But, if it don’t . . . well honey you need some new shoes!
Compiled by Kathryn Schiliro
Photos by Angelina Bellebuono
It has been piling up—pun intended—since late last year when word got out about the Banks' proposed waste management facility.
Since then, local governmental bodies, citizen groups, even individual residents have had their say as far as how they feel Madison and Morgan County would be affected by this landfill. But Jeff Banks III, who is heading up the proposal along with other members of his family, hasn't truly spoken out publicly about his proposal, save for the report he submitted to the county.
One permit to shoot vermin? Check! One near full jar of White Lightenin’? Check! Camouflage outfits and face paint? Check? One loaded shot gun? Check, Check! Two flashlights? Check! Ding dang! Momma! We look like bona fide Armadillo hunters! All we gotta do now is wait all quiet-like! Let’s do some quick self hypnosis and psychic ourselves into supersonic-Armadillo-hatin’ killers! I’m talkin’ we gotta be as cold-hearted-hatin’ as a Goldman Sachs finance advisor! Bam! I feel the mean mojo! We’re gonna catch and kill that UGLY, GIANT ARMADILLO TONIGHT! He ain’t never gonna mess with Momma’s garden again! Here come the stars; he’ll sneak outta his hole right soon! Give me a swig of that fine White Lightenin’ ‘cause I need me some courage! Wheewww who! That flat hits the spot! Shhhhh! Ok Momma . . . Aim that shot gun . . . steady . . . steady ‘cause that dad blasted Armadillo’s comin’ outta his big fat ugly hole just like we knew he would! BOOM! Shoot fire! He jumped five feet! Where’d he go! We lost ‘em. What the? WATCH OUT MOMMA! He’s standin’ on his hind claws right smack behind you! RUN! Well, I reckon our Armadillo huntin’ plan worked ‘bout as good tryin’ to poke a cat out from under the porch with a rope. Better luck next time!
Great! Momma’s here! Why don’t y’all join us on our beautiful Spring Day Stroll? Perf! Momma! You look the fool! Take that ding dang gas mask off your face immediately! The pollen’s bad, but it ain’t that bad! Hells Bells! Folks are gonna be thinking you’re Crazy! What the? That’s not pollen! It looks like a big ole green, glowin’ cloud of swamp gas! Shasta! It’s done blown here from up over yonder! I ain’t never seen it like this in the light of day! Give me one of those gas masks Momma!
That’s right y’all! You flat never know when somebody’s gonna try to cloud the facts with a bunch of green swamp gas! But more on that later!
I flat know y’all are usin’ those CRAZY COUPONS from last week’s paper! Amici Italian Café with a buy one get half off deal! Household Effects on Lake Oconee with a 25 percent off EVERYTHING! Antique Sweets with a buy a pound of fudge and get a half pound FREE! Dog Ear Books with a FREE cup of fab coffee! Pro Care Cleaners with $5 off a $30 or more order! Rick’s Flooring with 10 percent OFF! Southern Cross Ranch and third person eats FREE! Youngblood Motor Co. Auto Collision Center with GET $200 off your insurance company deductible estimated claim! Ding Dang! Jordie Bug and 20 percent OFF any item! A FREE week’s membership at Uptown Athletic Club! WOW! Look for ‘em all again in next week’s paper! Hey and if you want to put in a CRAZY COUPON, it’s just $75 a month and you get two color ad coupons that run the first and third week of each month! Call us at 706-342-7440 and we’ll get your CRAZY COUPON flat ready for next month! Plus you get the option of putting your CRAZY COUPON on our website for FREE at www.morgancountycitizen.com! It’s a CRAZY good deal y’all!
This is not a test. Do not adjust your newspaper. People of Morgan County, attention! This is a voice speaking to you from thousands of light years beyond your planet. Look to your sun as a warning. Biz Buzz is now under our complete and utter control. Order. Order. Order. We have got your Momma. Obey our commands and she will come to no harm. Leave a stack of one hundred, $100 bills in a brief case next to the fountain in Town Park and no one will get hurt. Bangin’ Blasts! Somebody’s done hacked into my Super Sonic Security Biz Buzz network. Giggle, snort, giggle. What the? Who’s in my ding dang closet snortin’ like a tickled pig? Well I’ll be! It’s Momma and she’s usin’ my wifi to execute her April foolery! Don’t you worry Momma! The day ain’t over yet!