Shhhhhh! Y’all hush! Momma’s watchin’ her Lawarence Welk Show reruns and we’ve gotta sit here and watch it with her! Somebody make me a martini! Shootfire! It’s startin’: “Live from the Champagne Theater in Branson Missouri . . .” (Enter bubbles, Lawrence Welk and the beautiful Lennon Sisters) Ahhh wun and ahhhh two . . . “It’s beginnin’ to look a lot like Christmas . . . Everywhere you go . . . Take a look in the five and ten glistening once again with candy canes and silver lanes aglow!” Oh My Gosh! Somebody shake me another martini! Who in the world is thinkin’ ‘bout Christmas in the sizzlin’ summer?

Thrifty Mac! That’s who! I kid y’all not! Ok so the day before I went to the beach I had to head over there for some last minute shoppin’ and who in the Sam Hill do you think was in there? Santa! Lord Have Mercy! Santa was in Thrifty Mac getting’ Mrs. Clause some medicine ‘cause she flat didn’t feel good! Anyhow, Santa was on his way down to Florida for a Christmas in July event and came smack through Madison! Accordin’ to everyone in Thrifty Mac, when Santa walked in . . . Magic! Time stopped! No phone calls! No customers! No drive through pick ups! No nothin’ for like 30 minutes while they visited with Santa! And as soon as Santa walked out the ding dang door honey the phone was just a ringin’ off the hook! I reckon Santa orders his Big Green Eggs from our very own Thrifty Mac! Check out the photo right here in this column if you don’t believe in Santa!

Momma! The U.S. Postal Lady just delivered a super huge ACME Products wooden crate! Let me read what’s printed on the side: “Contains Two (2) ACME Firefly Outfits, two (2) bottles ACME Glow-In-The-Dark Pills and two (2) Pairs ACME Anti-Gravity Hover Shoes.” Hand me PawPaw’s rusty ole crow bar and let’s open this sucker! CREEEK CRACCK! Oh my Gosh! We’re gonna get rich! Rich I say! We’ll entertain everybody at the Firefly Festival this weekend and take up a huge, ginormous money collection! Let’s slap on our firefly outfits and hover shoes! Wow! Momma check out our pointy glow-bug tails and flapper wings! And these crazy bug antennas are a hoot! We look FAB! Let’s take a swig of White Lightnin’ with our guaranteed-to-work-or-your-money-back glow pills! Shoot Fire! We ain’t blinkin’, but we sure are glowin’! Switch on the hover shoes! Ding Dang! They work! We’re six feet off the ground! All we gotta do now is wait for a little breeze and we’ll . . . SHASTA! There’s a wild wind whippin up the trees over yonder! HELP! An updraft is takin’ us way over to Town Park and up, up, up into the twilight sky! Shoot Fire! We’re caught in a downdraft! Watch out BELOWWWWW! CRASH! SPLASH!  Momma! Don’t look now but you got a big ole goose egg where you knocked your noggin’ on the Town Park Fountain! Let’s hover on home and plan our next get-rich-quick scheme!

VOTE YOST! SHE’S THE MOST! Another election cycle and you won’t find Biz Buzz on the Ballet! No Honorable Probate Judge Biz Buzz: “Order in the Court I say!” No Morgan County Commissioner Biz Buzz: “Morgan County Dollars for Everyone!” No State Senator Biz Buzz: “White Lightnin’ is LEGAL on SUNDAY!” No nothin’! The Power! The Prestige! The Pontificatin’! Politics with all of its intrigue, its scandal has eluded me again! SLAP! What the HECK Momma! Why in the Sam Hill did you slap me into NEXT WEEK? Oh right! If the Biz Buzz runs for public office, there wouldn’t be a Biz Buzz column until the election is over ‘cause the Citizen says it ain’t fair for one candidate to gain exposure that another candidate won’t get! Well shoot fire! I reckon I’ll exercise my love of politics by VOTIN’!

Hey y’all don’t forget to take advantage of EARLY VOTIN’! The election is July 31 and y’all can read all about it in the Aug. 2 edition of the Citizen (which actually hits the news stands Aug. 1)! And, don’t forget! Election results will be Twitted and Facebooked all durin’ election night! So honey if you don’t already follow the Citizen on Twitter and/or Facebook you are missin’ out on up-to-the-minute updates! So don’t be a fool! Follow us on Twitter and friend us on Facebook immediately! Whew! Ok so let’s go out and ‘bout to see what’s happenin’!

Dang y’all! It’s hot as blazes! I can’t  hardly stand it! Hey I know just the thing to cool us off fast! Let’s go over to Momma’s for some ice cold, homemade lemonade. Ummmmm. Humm One thing ‘bout Momma . . . she never fails to make up a batch of lemonade on a hot July day! I love it! Well, here we are! What the? Something ain’t right. The porch fans are on but ain’t nobody home! Momma! Where in the Sam Hill are you? Y’all help me find her! Lord. Have. Mercy! Momma! What would the preacher say? Put that book down right smack NOW! Momma! Did you hear or are your ears plugged? Oh. My. Gosh! Momma’s havin’ heart palpitations! Call 911! Call 911!  And, somebody get that sexy, sexy X-Rated Fifty Shades of Grey book and hand it over to me! Oh and don’t tell a soul Momma was readin’ it! Whoo Weee Dawg! Got me a beach book if there ever was one!

story and photos by michael prochaska

Summer Trippin’! We flat gotta get away but dang it! There ain’t no money in my pocket! Hummm... Let’s go on one of them Astral Trips (AKA out-of-body projections) ‘cause honey, they’re free! All we gotta do is use our Astral Travel ESP psychic powers and go to the coolest destination EVER! All it takes is a magic trance and POOF! See y’all on the other side! ...Snore...hoooot...snore...hoooot. (Editor’s Note: You are now entering the Esoteric Astral Plane... All bets are off!) Floating through blue sky and silver white clouds... descending... POP! Wham! Where am I? Whattttt? This Astral Travel ain’t all it’s cracked up to be ‘cause I’ve only traveled to the Morgan County Citizen office which is still for SALE on the Astral Plane! Wow! Well we might as well check out the news on this side of consciousness!
What the? Check it out y’all! Over here on the Astral Plane the Citizen Classifieds are flat in COLOR and they look SUPER FANTASTIC! I’d better get outta this trance to tell Citizen Classified Manager Artrose Cooper all ‘bout this!
Oh my gosh y’all! Artrose has already done it! Our Classifieds are now in COLOR! Y’all check ‘em out in the Sports Section! Hey and buy a classified or get in the business directory by calling Artrose at 706-342-7440!