MCHS band marches in children’s Christmas parade last weekend in Atlanta.

Printed in the December 6, 2012 edition

It only took a month, but I’ve finally found the article that this column was born for.
This is the worst, dumbest, most inconsequential news story of all time – perfect for this column.
Anna and Jeremy Clark were standing near their home in West Sussex, England when, out of nowhere, a fox ran up, took Anna’s handbag in its mouth, and ran for the bushes.
At this point, the husband began screaming for the fox to drop the bag.
…Because who doesn’t scream at wild animals in order to get them to come towards them?
This is exactly why you can’t have a peaceful walk through the woods in this area of the country during this time of year; because hunters everywhere scream from their deer stands into the woods to tempt their prey to come a little closer.
Big surprise – the fox kept going.
Oddly enough, the fox brought the bag back a few minutes later.
But the husband found another way to stupid this story up to the point of disbelief.
He claimed that the fox looked guilty as it came back with the bag.
Wait…what?
No. Foxes don’t look guilty. Foxes steal. That’s what they do. That’s how they survive.
In all of popular culture from Aesop to Uncle Remus, foxes are portrayed as tricksters.
It is even suggested that the word “shenanigan” comes from the Irish expression “sionnachuighim,” which means, “I play the fox.”
I was honestly expecting the story to end with the fox coming back with the bag – looking “guilty” – and, when the family least expected it, grabbing their young child and keeping it instead. That would have made the story worth reading.
And, really, I don’t even know why I’ve even wasted the time it took to write this story on such a trivial matter.

The newest craze in mixed drinks is finally here, and I think that you’ll all want to know about it. Chances are, you already have the ingredients at home, even if you are a complete teetotaler: distilled hand sanitizer and mouthwash.
I know… yum.
This fad-to-be almost never got off the ground floor. It seems to have been started by two homeless people in Albuquerque, New Mexico earlier this year, but they weren’t able to get the word out about their invention, seeing as they died soon after its inception.
However, six innovative teenagers in the San Fernando Valley area got word about the new cocktail, but cut out part of the original recipe (apparently after running out of mouthwash) by drinking the hand sanitizer on its own.
The result: six trips to the emergency room.
Finally, authorities are beginning to get some indication of why these Mouthtinis and Sanitizer Slings (all rights reserved) are all the rage.
Jennifer Amanda Wilcox, 36, was charged with a DUI in Connecticut after drinking half a bottle of hand sanitizer, which caused her to blow a .17 on a breathalyzer test (that’s the equivalent of 32 shots of vodka).
When the police asked Wilcox why she drank the hand sanitizer, she explained only by saying that she, “saw it there.”
Given that this in the accepted excuse for guzzling the gelatinous goo, there are only two possible solutions for stopping this danger from spreading across the country: including enzymes that cause blindness in the ingredient list or developing invisible hand sanitizer, that way, no one else will be able to, “[see] it there.”
It may be the only way to save our nation.
Nay, the world.

Printed in the October 25, 2012 edition

Apparently, Edward Archbold was able to eat more roaches and worms than any other resident of Deerfield Beach, Fla.
His prizes – an $850 python and an all-expense paid, one-way trip to the morgue.
In case you missed that, he’s dead.
The competition, a part of “Midnight Madness” at Ben Siegel Reptiles, involved 20-30 contestants, who, apparently, couldn’t live without that python.
Ironically, the contestant that won it didn’t have much time to live with it.
Ben Siegel, the owner of the store, stated that Archbold was, “the life of the party.”
…and the death of the after-party.
“He really made our night more fun,” said Siegel.
Right. Because who doesn’t love to see a man eat himself to death with a cocktail of roaches and worms?
The legal representation for Siegel’s store reported that all participants signed waivers, “accepting responsibility for their participation in this unique and unorthodox contest” ...on Facebook.
Yes. Facebook is now the appropriate forum for serious legal matters, such as submitting documents that waive responsibility for the death of a man.
Pharaoh Gayles, another contestant, described his rationale for entering the contest.
“Some of the snakes were pretty expensive,” stated Gayles. “I thought if I could eat the bugs to get one, it would be a good idea.”
Newsflash: it is not a good idea to eat bugs – as long as the end result is a snake.
An autopsy of Archbold’s body has been done, but the Broward Medical Examiner’s Office is waiting for the test results before they announce what killed Archbold.
If they’re interested, I’ve got a theory or two.
Next week’s article: “Man gets stopped in San Franciscan airport because of suspicious package.”

Being a musician and sportswriter, when I think of strange, exploding, well, stuff, I think of exploding Ampeg basses and Veek’s exploding scoreboard. But now, as an “average” consumer, now I also have to worry about exploding washing machines.
Apparently, a number of front-loading washing machines around the country have been blowing the glass out of the front of the machines, spilling their loads all over the floor.
More than 50 occurrences have allegedly been reported, involving Beko, Miele, Zanussi, Bosch, Hoover, LG and Samsung models.
In addition to the glass in the doors of the machines simply falling out or cracking when not in use, owners return home to find shards of glass spread over their floors.
A representative of Beko reportedly said, “Whilst we have no reason to believe that there is fault with our washing machine range, we are investigating these incidents in full and always take such matters seriously.”
Archaic conjunctions aside, consumers apparently shouldn’t see the new exploding function on these washing machines as a drawback. It is the washer’s way of saying, “Welcome home! I just couldn’t wait to show you what a good job I did on your clothes, so I shot them all over the floor for you!”
Adrian Porter, home product researcher at Which?, a consumer advocacy charity, says that, while nothing has been confirmed, “There are theories ranging from hair cracks in the glass, or even that the glass is just thinner than it used to be.”
Yep, I can already hear myself years from now telling my grandchildren about the good old days when glass was thicker and washing machines didn’t explode.
I doubt they’ll believe me.

Printed in the October 11, 2012