By Nick Nunn, Columnist
A sage that goes by the name of Early Cuyler once said, “Nope, I don’t need no internet. No sir, not in my life.”
Early’s words of wisdom must have echoed quite a bit to make it all the way up into Tanana, Alaska, where a number of shotgun-totin’ merrymakers accepted and enacted his advice on behalf of the entire city.
As part of a New Year’s tradition, the good people of Tanana left their homes during the midnight that straddles Dec. 31 and Jan. 1 with their shotguns in hand to fire up at the skies in celebration.
Apparently, Tananans hate God and aliens enough to send a warning message to them, telling them to stay away for the next year.
However, they threw a little too much caution into the wind, not checking to see if their skies were clear before unloading their weapons, and they fired right up into the city’s fiber-optic cable lines, knocking out the internet connection for everyone.
I bet there was at least one gentleman spending the evening home alone that was mad… Ralph Eller, owner of Yukon Telphone and Supervisions Cable TV, told the Fairbanks Daily News-Miner that repairs would cost approximately $10,000 and that he did not know whether the damage to the line occurred intentionally or accidentally.
Regardless of why it happened, Eller mused confidently concerning the perpetrators, “You can’t fix stupid.” True that, Ralph. True that.
Tanana, a city of approximately 300 people, lies some 150 miles west of Fairbanks, just about in the center of the large state.
Having about the population of Bostwick, I can’t imagine that Tanana is a hopping metropolis on the verge of becoming the next industry leader in technology, but now, after the events of New Year’s, those poor folks can’t even check their AOL accounts.
In case you don’t find that funny, you need tech help.