By Nick Nunn, columnist
Sometimes, I wish that I had been a little more outwardly obnoxious when I was still a child.
I don’t think that I ever once TP’d or egged anyone’s house, and I certainly never left any burning poop on a doorstep. (I tried once. It didn’t work out.)
Yeah, I think the worst that I ever did was to wrap a rubber band around the squirter on my Grandma’s sink, and then wait for her to cut it on so it would spray her.
I’m still paying for that one.
The real reason that I never had any great fun with pranks, however, is because I know that God doesn’t like for me to have a good time, and he punishes me every time I try.
This is something that would have happened to me if I TP’d someone’s house (although I’d argue that it wouldn’t be my fault): A woman in Dora, Ala., woke up one morning recently to find that some pesky kids had decorated the arborous toilet paper hangers around her house appropriately (that is, with toilet paper), so she and her son set about cleaning the mess up.
When working to remove the paper product became a little too difficult – maybe there was a hard to reach place – the woman had an absolutely brilliant idea. (Read sarcasm into that last bit.)
She went back into the house, retrieved fire, and placed the fire on the TP in the tree. “What happened then?” you might ask.
Apparently, the flaming toilet paper then fell from the tree – mission accomplished – lit the dry grass under the tree on fire, spread to the house, and… Burned part of the house to the ground.
I wonder if the woman could tell the exact moment that plan went wrong.
Hmm, in fact, I think I can tell you why this happened: the toilet paper, realizing that its correct place was in the septic system of the house attempted to escape the tree once it was motivated by fire and make its way into the upstairs toilet, where it could then be flushed into its final resting place.
Sadly, I don’t think that poor sojourner, made it all the way to its hole-y place, but I’m sure that its influence and legacy will linger on for some time.