Nunnsense: Fighting Against Time

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Nick Nunn, Nunnsense

Nick Nunn, Nunnsense

By Nick Nunn, Columnist

This week, I found a headline that could have led to the greatest Nunnsense ever: “Badger saves woman from raccoon she thought was her cat.” Isn’t this a great mental image: a badger flying in through the window just in time to fight a raccoon away from a blind, old woman that mistook the little thief for her cat?

Unfortunately, however, “Badger” was the name of the human police officer that came to her rescue. Whomp whomp. Instead, I settled on the story of a naked man with a large clock having to be subdued by four deputies and a police dog in – guess where – Florida.

No, it wasn’t Flavor Flav, and, in case you haven’t been paying attention, Florida is where all of the craziest happenings in America occur. It must be all of that wet heat.

Anyway, a crazed, naked 17-year-old named Conrad Hopper was confronted by the police after making a rather unpleasant visit to a neighboring house.

The neighbor called the police, and the deputies found Hopper back in his house. According to Palm Beach’s Sun Sentinel, Hopper was bearing a “large clock, which had numerous sharp utensils protruding from its entire border” when the cops showed up.

One of the deputies wrote in his report that Hopper was yelling things like “Five, six, seven, eight, grandma, girlfriend, one, two, three, four.”

You can’t make this stuff up. So, what happened after that? The police told hopper to lay on his stomach, but, instead, he sat down on the floor and then got up and moved closer to the policemen.

Sensing danger, the cops released their dog, which tried everything it could to subdue the perpetrator, but Hopper began punching and kicking the dog, as well as trying to gouge its eyes out.

The four deputies then attempted to wrangle Hopper, but they had to resort to a stun gun to bring the boy down. One of the deputies even suffered a fractured arm during the skirmish.

Even after being stunned, strapped to a gurney, and given a shot of valium, Hopper was still adamantly fighting against being taken into custody.

For his fun evening, Hopper is now going to be charged with burglary, criminal mischief, resisting arrest, battery of a police dog, and several counts of battery on a law enforcement officer. Dang. One more charge, and he would have gotten a set of steak knives…

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