Nunnsense: Stake, then Shake

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Nick Nunn, Nunnsense

Nick Nunn, Nunnsense

By Nick Nunn, Columnist

In modern-day history, few objects have stood at the center of comedic ridicule as prominently as the vending machine. I mean, how many times in a comedy show or film have we watched our poor protagonist fall prey to the devilish contraption?

People get their hands stuck in them for sweets and savories of all sorts, before exasperatedly retaliating by striking the automated vendor – or worse.

Well, worse happened to a vending machine in Milford, Iowa, when it refused to give Robert McKevitt, 27, the Twix that he paid for at his place of work, a warehouse owned by Polaris Industries.

As it happens so often, the little spring spun around and around but stopped just shy of allowing the Twix to fall freely to the waiting reservoir below.

What happened next is a matter of some debate. McKevitt claimed that he had to shake the machine so vigorously that it was moved from its original location. Instead of simply shaking it back into place, however, McKevitt called upon his warehouse skills, using a forklift to move the vender back to where it belonged.

That’s his story.

The state unemployment records, on the other hand, say that, when the machine failed to give up the goods, McKevitt went right for the skewer on wheels lifted the box two feet from the ground and then letting it fall back – about six times – and then retrieved the three candy bars that fell.

Note that these are unemployment records: he was fired five days later. Duh. And to add insult to injury, a new machine was purchased after McKevitt was tossed to the curb.

Speaking to the Des Moines Register, McKevitt stated, “That machine was trouble. They fired me and now I hear they have all new vending machines there.”

Yes… because you destroyed the old one, genius. After all of this, however, one question stands front and center in my mind: if these machines perform their job this poorly often enough to make its notoriety a mainstream phenomenon, why don’t engineers simply devise a better model? I’m just saying.

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