Voice of God

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There is a pressing matter at hand this week in Nunnsense news: how you deal with someone who has been hearing the voice of God.

Well, I wasn’t the one hearing the voice of God. This is a secondhand message that I’m relaying from the original human receiver: Thomas Hammer. Now, if you are wondering if there is a good reason for why you haven’t heard of Hammer – this supposed conduit that can link us to the deity directly – in any theological texts or on the Christian channels, there is.

In fact, the reason you probably haven’t heard of this source of the good word is that God only talks to him when he wants him to steal skateboards from minors.

Yes. Last June, Hammer – an elementary school teacher, by the way – became certain that it was his Christian duty, direct from God, to push a skateboarder from his preferred mode of travel and throw his board over a wall of shrubbery.

“When I stepped in, I felt compelled by a higher power,” said Hammer to the Orange County Register after the altercation. “Honestly, have you ever been grabbed by the Lord in a way you never thought you would or you could? That’s exactly what I’m testifying to, and I’m not speaking in hyperbole. I’m speaking right from the heart.”

Hmm. If that’s what Hammer’s heart was telling him, he might need to see a cardiologist.

Instead of seeing a cardiologist, however, Hammer was forced to a situation where he wouldn’t have to deal directly with the second-grade classes that he has been teaching since 1998 until he could deal with his problem.

(That is, if you can call the commandments of God a “problem.”)

The school system tried to give Hammer a second chance last week, after an additional two-month suspension, but, when more than 20 students refused to return to his classroom, he was again placed on administrative leave. Personally, I’m worried about the school system. Don’t they fear the retribution of God, now that they have again chosen to persecute his personal messenger? I don’t know how you would begin go about stoning an entire school system in order to punish their blasphemy…

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