It’s hotter than a billy goat with a blowtorch in a pepper patch! Momma! It’s too just hellish hot to work! Let’s play possum, tell boss man we just ain’t right and bog ‘round town in PawPaw’s new truck!
Ding Dang! Roads are blocked, crew caterin’ signs are everywhere and fancy vans and trucks are parked all ‘round Town Park! Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit! The movie people are here! Madison and Morgan County’s gonna be flat famous ‘cause the Hollywood people are makin’ that Charmin’ the Hearts of Men movie right smack here, right now! Boy Howdy in a hand basket! Movie stars! Castin’ calls! Location scouts! Producers! I hear tell Kelsey Grammer, Anna Friel and a whole gaggle of stars and production people are stayin’ and workin’ right here in Madison!
Welcome to Y’allywood, Hollywood! We’re flat tickled you’re here and hope you enjoy visitin’ our beautiful Madison and Morgan County!
Now this ain’t our first rodeo with a movie production and Momma knows lots of y’all are far from home so she wants to make sure y’all feel welcome and at ease! So to help decode some of our Southernisms, here’s a list of Momma’s all-time faves:
• Her head’s so big, it takes two dogs to bark at ‘em. Meaning: You are near somebody who’s so stuck up, she’d drown in a rainstorm.
• You’re as lost as last year’s Easter Egg. Meanin: Somebody is barkin’ up the wrong tree.
• Allen Kelsey Grammer. Meanin: When Momma calls you by your full name, mic drop. You are in a heap of trouble.
• He’ll get glad in the same britches he got mad in. Meanin: Somebody is just gonna have to get over it.
• The bullfrog don’t make mistakes when he starts singin’. Meanin: Some things, like respect and manners, are always golden.
• Don’t skinny dip with snappin’ turtles. Meanin: Don’t break the rules or Momma’s gonna jerk a knot in your tail.
• He’s dumber than a football bat. Meanin: His elevator don’t go to the top floor.
• That truck couldn’t pull a fat baby off a tricycle. Meanin: That dog won’t hunt or that’s just a ding dang dumb idea.
• The dinner bell is always in tune. Meanin: Southern cookin’ heals all hearts.
• It’s easy to get off a buckin’ mule. Meanin: Anybody can fly, it’s the landin’ that’s tricky.
• He’s messed up like a kite in a hailstorm. Meanin: Somebody drank like Cooter Brown last night.
• She’d gripe with two hams under each arm. Meanin: Somebody’s disposition is flat ugly and ungrateful.
• She can turn a rooster into a feather duster in no time flat. Meanin: Don’t sass Momma.
• He got hit with the ugly stick. Meanin: You’re near somebody who looks like he or she plays goalie for the dart team. Get ‘em to the nearest beauty parlor.
• Don’t look at me in that tone of voice. Meanin: Somebody is cuttin’ eyes at an elder.
• Be kind. Meanin: Ain’t nobody better than anybody else. Say please and thank you, treat people like you want to be treated, take time to see the beauty around you and call your momma if you’re lucky to still have one.
• And, last but not least (preachers just don’t read this one)… Momma’s honest to God all-time fave sayin: Sh%# Fire! Meanin: Dang it! Shasta! Shut the front door!
Well ding dang it! I’m flat runnin’ out of space in the best weekly newspaper in the entire State of Georgia as awarded by the Georgia Press Association! But, don’t cry y’all ‘cause: You’re all invited back next week to this locality to have a heapin’ helpin’ of Citizen hospitality. Biz Buzz that is. Sit a while. Take your shoes off. Y’all come back now ‘ya hear?