Goodbye Nunnsense

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They say that all good things must come to the end. Evidently, some of the bad stuff crashes and burns from time to time as well, seeing as this will be the final Nunnsense column. This 96th Nunnsense marks the end of an unbroken streak of almost two-years’ worth of (hopefully) comically repeated news bits. There have been high-water marks and low-water marks. I’ve gone back to look at some and think to myself, “Jeez, I just gave up that week, didn’t I,” while, on the other hand, some still …

Call in the big guns

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Here’s something interesting: there is a little patch of land between Egypt and the Sudan – get out your globe – called Bir Tawil. Bir Tawil is a mountainous region about 800 square miles in area that is not currently under the claim of any recognized country in the world. (If the Indiana Jones part of your brain didn’t just fire up, there is a good chance that you are too old.) According to the Associated Press, Bir Tawil may be the only unclaimed patch of solid earth left on …

Put your hand up!

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Fair and equal treatment under the law is a topic that has manifested itself in several ways over the last few weeks. I’m not going to enumerate them, frankly, because I don’t know I could broach some of the topics and be able to keep my big mouth shut concerning how I feel about them. Sometimes – sidebar aside – there seem to be times when fair treatment and equal treatment begin to butt heads with each other, creating ridiculous situations that you almost can’t believe happened in real life. …

A fire too far

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Earlier in the week, I thought to go ask Patrick if I could have a two-word-long Nunnsense article this week: Ann Coulter. After all, doesn’t it seem like that would be a fitting tribute to the woman who, last week, claimed that Americans’ growing interest in soccer is a “sign of the nation’s decay?” Seriously, though, I think we should thank this woman somehow, and, if putting her name in my little column is all I can do to show support, that’s what I’ll have to do. I mean, this …

Pic-a-nic baskets

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I remember a commercial that ran frequently not too long ago, and the premise of the commercial was basically this: don’t believe everything you see on the internet. My first response to this ad (the purpose of which I cannot remember) was “Duh!” I mean, who really needs to be told that you can’t believe everything you find on the internet, read in books, or see on television? Nobody, right? (Although I’m always surprised by these people who believe in ghosts just because some idiots on the discovery channel come …

Dispatches from Oregon

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If you’ve noticed the peculiar absence of my name in the bylines this week, it’s because – once again – I’m on vacation in Oregon, celebrating a few peaceful days of freedom before I head back home and get to the grind. It has been interesting to move along the beach – surrounded by 60-degree air – and watch surfers in wetsuits braving the cold waters of the Pacific Ocean for the temporary thrill of the big wave. With ample time on my hands too look out to sea, I …

Tasty treats

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Back when I was in the early stages of the public school system – you know, when life was super easy and great and you had no idea that there would be a point in your time on this earth that 30-minute naps weren’t mandated each and every day of the week – one of the best things I can remember where the times when we would have either scheduled or unscheduled parties. Right? Because the only thing better in kindergarten than playing with toys, learning about letters, and taking …

Voice of God

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There is a pressing matter at hand this week in Nunnsense news: how you deal with someone who has been hearing the voice of God. Well, I wasn’t the one hearing the voice of God. This is a secondhand message that I’m relaying from the original human receiver: Thomas Hammer. Now, if you are wondering if there is a good reason for why you haven’t heard of Hammer – this supposed conduit that can link us to the deity directly – in any theological texts or on the Christian channels, …

Do it yourself

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I’d like to imagine that I’m a do-it-yourself kind of guy. I change the oil in my car, do small-to-moderate projects around the house, and have even built a couple of guitar amplifiers for myself. (And then repaired them when they broke down…) I’d imagine that a common effect of being able to fix a good deal of things with your own hands is not wanting to admit when there is something that you know is out of your league. But, sometimes, you’ve got to lay down your tools – …

Meth-ing around

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It’s terrible when an honest mistake makes you the laughing stock of your friends, family, coworkers, or – even worse – your enemies. In this day of technological communication, which allows data and information to fly across the globe at nearly the speed of light, countless millions of strangers now also can get quick and easy access to the biggest blunders of the day. Fortunately for all of us – as we are all apt to make human mistakes – the sheer abundance of casual information also has a way …

Love plane express…

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Nick Nunn, columnist All right children, avert your eyes this week. We’re going to be taking about a serious, adult matter this week: gaining entry into the mile high-club. Don’t know what that is? Good. You can keep reading, then. First of all, let’s talk – in vague terms, of course – about the “normal” way that people gain entry into this club. I’ve been on a plane before. In fact, I’ve been on several airplanes, and, no matter what, I always feel a little constricted. There’s barely enough room …

Bet you can’t …

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Bets are a stupid thing. Well, maybe I should take that back. Better yet, bets are just as stupid as the people making them. (Kind of like: guns don’t kill people, people do. Except bets aren’t inherently dangerous) Stupid bets run the gamut from something as relatively harmless as licking a flagpole to “planking” on the balcony railing of your fourteenth-story apartment. Rationally, we all recognize that these aren’t reasonable things to do, but, as long as there is the urge in the human mind to prove to another person …

Nunnsense: Stake, then Shake

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By Nick Nunn, Columnist In modern-day history, few objects have stood at the center of comedic ridicule as prominently as the vending machine. I mean, how many times in a comedy show or film have we watched our poor protagonist fall prey to the devilish contraption? People get their hands stuck in them for sweets and savories of all sorts, before exasperatedly retaliating by striking the automated vendor – or worse. Well, worse happened to a vending machine in Milford, Iowa, when it refused to give Robert McKevitt, 27, the …

Nunnsense: Fighting Against Time

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By Nick Nunn, Columnist This week, I found a headline that could have led to the greatest Nunnsense ever: “Badger saves woman from raccoon she thought was her cat.” Isn’t this a great mental image: a badger flying in through the window just in time to fight a raccoon away from a blind, old woman that mistook the little thief for her cat? Unfortunately, however, “Badger” was the name of the human police officer that came to her rescue. Whomp whomp. Instead, I settled on the story of a naked …

Nunnsense: Felonious Fishes

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I got into Star Wars relatively early on in my childhood development, and I liked that Han Solo – played by Harrison Ford, in case you don’t know – had been a smuggler before he fought alongside the Rebel Alliance against the Empire. Smuggling, or at least having the ability to remain cool while hiding something and lying under pressure, seemed, to my 8-year-old brain, like the best possible set of attributes that a person could have. I guess I thought that, if I could act like that, I could …

Nunnsense: Party Time

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By Nick Nunn, columnist Sometimes, I wish that I had been a little more outwardly obnoxious when I was still a child. I don’t think that I ever once TP’d or egged anyone’s house, and I certainly never left any burning poop on a doorstep. (I tried once. It didn’t work out.) Yeah, I think the worst that I ever did was to wrap a rubber band around the squirter on my Grandma’s sink, and then wait for her to cut it on so it would spray her. I’m still …

Nunnsense: Go Fetch

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By Nick Nunn, Columnist Riddle! Who do the police allow to sniff a little cocaine every now and then? Detection dogs. Yeah, that might have been an easy one, but it’s still true as far as I know. How else would you expect a sniffer dog to be able to recognize actual drugs if you weren’t able to give them a little taste – or snort – of the genuine article? You can’t. Like Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell can tell you: ain’t nothing like the real thing. Bearing that …

Nunnsense: Error in connection

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By Nick Nunn, Columnist A sage that goes by the name of Early Cuyler once said, “Nope, I don’t need no internet. No sir, not in my life.” Early’s words of wisdom must have echoed quite a bit to make it all the way up into Tanana, Alaska, where a number of shotgun-totin’ merrymakers accepted and enacted his advice on behalf of the entire city. As part of a New Year’s tradition, the good people of Tanana left their homes during the midnight that straddles Dec. 31 and Jan. 1 …

Nunnsence: Brethren

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By Nick Nunn I pity anyone who was never fortunate enough to have a brother. I mean, it might be just as good (or better) to have a sister, but I wouldn’t know anything about that. But a brother of about the same age can be an interesting thing as you both go through that crazy period of life known as “adolescence.” You both want to be right all of the time, as well as completely in control of the other one. Or maybe that was just me since I …

Holiday feast for two

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By Nick Nunn Nature is a relatively emotionless place. As much as Disney movies would like us to believe that foxes and hounds can really be friends, it just isn’t so. In fact, human nature is really so far away from the natural order that the rest of the world seems to base itself on that I question whether it should be deemed any sort of “nature” at all. Perhaps we should call it “unnature.” If you think I’m being cynical, watch Animal Planet for a while. You’ll get what …